The Haunted Human’s Guide to Presence vs. Avoidance
How to Know If You’re Here… or If You Quietly Evacuated Your Nervous System and Left a Paper Cutout Behind
Let’s be honest: being a human with a haunted nervous system is… complicated.
Some days you’re fully alive in your skin. Other days you’re three inches to the left of your body, watching life like it’s a documentary about someone you vaguely root for.
And the trickiest part?
Avoidance and presence can look exactly the same from the outside. Or even the inside if you aren’t MINDFUL.
Stillness can be peace… or collapse.
Silence can be wisdom… or shutdown.
Calm can be connection… or numbness wearing spiritual makeup.
Your ego?
A little gremlin. A stage magician. A master of illusions.
It will convince you you’re “totally fine” while dragging you by the hair out of every emotionally real moment.
So let’s create a guide…a spellbook, really, where we pull wisdom from:
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Japanese philosophy
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Polyvagal theory
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Acceptance & Commitment Therapy
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Internal Family Systems
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Existential psychology
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Psychodynamic defense mechanisms
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Mindfulness
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And your signature ECA haunted self-love style
Different haunted humans need different approaches.
So choose your potion. Taste every perspective.
Find the one that whispers the truth to you.
Let’s begin.
Before we dive in, if you’re craving a deeper ritual practice while you explore these concepts, you can pair this guide with my Tea Magic Rituals + Mindfulness Spellbook, a soft, spooky toolkit for staying present without forcing calm. Explore it here
The Core Difference
Presence
You turn toward what is real, your body, your emotions, the situation, and respond from honesty and values.
Avoidance
You turn away from what is real, through numbing, fleeing, overthinking, spiritualizing, shutting down, or running from discomfort.
That’s it.
The entire haunted spectrum in one sentence.
But the way we discover which one we’re in?
That’s where the magic begins.
The Body Test – Polyvagal Theory & Zen Wisdom
Your body is the first (and often the only) honest voice in the room.
Presence feels like:
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grounded but not frozen
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awake but not frantic
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connected but not clingy
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a gentle hum of aliveness
Avoidance feels like:
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fog, floatiness, numbness (dorsal vagal freeze)
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racing, pacing, obsessing, distracting (sympathetic flight)
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tight jaw, clenched shoulders, shallow breath
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“I’m calm” but your eyes look like Windows 95
Quick Body Questions:
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Can I feel my body right now?
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Does my calm feel warm and connected… or cold and distant?
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Am I here, or am I watching myself from above like a ghost on salary?
Presence = embodied.
Avoidance = evacuated.
The Behavior Test – ACT & Morita Therapy
Presence moves you toward your life.
Avoidance moves you away from it.
Ask yourself:
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Am I doing this because it matters… or because it’s easier than feeling something real?
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If I wasn’t trying to avoid discomfort, what would my next step be?
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Is this action aligned with my values… or my fear?
Examples:
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Presence: sending the hard text after grounding.
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Avoidance: grounding, then grounding again, then rearranging your crystals, then “just one more video…”
If calm doesn’t lead to movement, it’s not presence.
It’s just avoidance in a cloak.
The Thought Test – Existential + Psychodynamic Insight
Your mind loves to lie. (Neuro-Fact: it’s your brain scanning for “validation” in the limiting beliefs to keep you “safe”)
Your body never does.
Presence sounds like:
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“This is uncomfortable, but it’s true.”
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“I don’t have to like this to face it.”
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“I can handle honesty, even when it stings.”
Avoidance sounds like:
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“It’s fine, whatever.”
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“It’s not that big of a deal.”
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“They’re the problem.”
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“I’ll think about it later.”
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“If I don’t acknowledge it, it can’t hurt me.”
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“The universe is just telling me not to deal with this right now.” (babe… no.)
Ask Yourself:
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Am I telling myself a comforting story instead of a true one?
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Would I believe this story if someone else said it out loud? (listing with curiosity, no shame babe)
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What truth am I avoiding because it would require change?
If your story gets cleaner but your chest gets tighter… that is avoidance.
The Feeling Test – IFS + Mindfulness
Presence welcomes emotion.
Avoidance exiles it.
Presence looks like:
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“A part of me is scared.”
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“A part of me is angry.”
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“I can feel this without becoming this.”
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Curiosity about internal experience.
Avoidance looks like:
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Numbing, scrolling, cleaning, overworking
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Getting angry instead of honest
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Dissociation (“I feel nothing”)
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Turning everything into a logic problem
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Over-spiritualizing (“I’m above this feeling”)
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Emotion-shaming (“I shouldn’t feel this way”)
Ask Yourself:
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What am I actually feeling right now?
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What feeling am I trying to avoid?
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What part of me is trying to protect me?
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What would happen if I allowed this feeling for 60 seconds?
Your ego hates this part, but your nervous system loves it.
The Nervous System Compass – Your State Reveals Your Strategy
Ventral Vagal (Green Zone – Presence):
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grounded
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curious
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connected
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capable of “one next step”
Sympathetic (Yellow Zone – Avoidance):
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frantic
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busy
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can’t sit still
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anxiety wearing a productivity cape
Dorsal Vagal (Blue Zone – Avoidance):
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numb
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foggy
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disconnected
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“I’m fine :)” with dead eyes
Ask Yourself:
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What state am I in?
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Is this activity soothing me into action… or away from action?
Presence calms you toward contact.
Avoidance calms you away from contact.
Big difference.
The Relationship Check – Naikan + Existential Reflection
Avoidance blows up connection.
Presence deepens it.
Ask Yourself:
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Am I withdrawing because I need space… or because I’m afraid of honesty?
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What have I received from the person I’m upset with?
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What have I given?
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What difficult truth am I resisting because it asks something of me?
If the thought of this makes your chest clench… that’s avoidance.
The After-This-Moment Test (aka The Zanshin Test)
This is the clincher.
The difference between presence and avoidance is what happens after your grounding ritual.
Presence:
You take one small, honest step toward reality.
Avoidance:
You soothe, then soothe, then soothe again…
You stay in rituals that never lead to movement.
Ask Yourself:
After I ground myself… do I plan to face something or hide from it?
If the answer is “hide”… you’re avoiding.
The Quick 7-Point Haunted Human Self-Test
A simple yes/no diagnostic you can use anytime.
1. Can I feel my body?
If no → dissociation/avoidance
2. Am I trying to avoid a feeling? (feeling chased or running?)
If yes → avoidance
3. Am I telling the truth or a comforting lie? (radical honesty)
Comforting lie → avoidance
4. Does this calm feel connected or numb?
Numb → avoidance
5. Is curiosity available in this moment?
Curiosity = presence
Defensiveness = avoidance
6. Will I take a value-aligned action after this?
No → avoidance
7. Does this move me toward life or away from it?
Away → avoidance
Print these. Tattoo them. Whisper them to your tea.
If reading this stirred something in your bones and you want a ritual that helps you stay embodied instead of drifting into the shadows, check out my Haunted Mindfulness Meditations. They’re trauma-informed tools for haunted humans who want presence without pressure. Explore them here!
A Gentle Spell to Reorient You to Presence
If you discover you’ve been avoiding, don’t shame yourself. (Shame is the fear of disconnection, this is your opportunity to CONNECT, not criticize)
Avoidance is just a frightened protector doing its best to keep you alive.
Whisper this spell:
“I am safe enough to stay.
I am steady enough to feel.
I am brave enough to see the truth.
I can take one small step toward my life.”
Feel your feet.
Sip your tea.
Come back home.
FINAL THOUGHT
Presence isn’t perfection.
Presence isn’t calmness.
Presence isn’t feeling good.
Presence is:
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honesty
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embodiment
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curiosity
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movement
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willingness to feel
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choosing truth over comfort
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taking one small step toward your life
Avoidance is simply what happens when your nervous system isn’t ready yet.
And both are human.
Both are understandable.
Both are allowed.
This guide is your lantern through the fog.
Your haunted roadmap back into your body and your breath.
Your compass for knowing when you’re here… and when you’ve quietly slipped into the shadows.
If this blog helped you feel seen, supported, or a little less lost in your haunted house of a nervous system, you’ll love the Haunted Mindfulness meditations, digital journals, and tea rituals. They’re designed for neurospicy souls learning to stay present in their bodies again. Sip your next spell here!
